For this edition of the Sex Lives of Moms I interviewed Jackie*, a mom of three kids who are in elementary school. She has been married for 11 years.
As the mom of multiple kids, you know all about the trials, tribulations, and joys of sex after kids. Did you have any sexual challenges after having babies? What helped?
Ha. Yeah, I was continuously pregnant and/or breastfeeding for seven years straight. I pretty much had no physical desire for my husband that whole time. I mostly blame it on hormones. We ignored the problem and had a sexless marriage; there were a few years when I think we only had sex once or twice the whole year.
What led you to try polyamory?
We weren’t happy. Rather than go to counseling like we probably should’ve, we decided to open the marriage as an experiment. We figured it would give us both the opportunity to explore things we were missing– for example, if I no longer enjoyed breast play, he could hook up with someone who liked that; if I missed the “first kiss butterflies” that can’t be duplicated with a spouse, then I’d have the chance to feel that again.
How long you have been poly?
A little over 2 years
How has your personal sensuality changed since becoming polyamorous? Your sex life?
It’s sooooo different. I’d been closed off & shut down, without realizing the extent of it. As soon as I started sleeping with other guys, it was like flipping a switch– I became totally amped up, thinking about sex all the time, wanting to try lots of new things, having more sex with my husband as well. The novelty of sleeping with someone new, trying all kinds of toys, going to a sex club… it awakened a whole side of me that had been completely neglected.
Has it changed your relationship with your partner?
Yes! We communicate a lot more now. We’ve talked more openly about our desires and fantasies. We’ve tried some new things. But we’ve also encountered problems. For example, his tendency to compare himself to other men and worry that he’s somehow lacking. It can increase insecurities. Or the problem of getting emotionally attached to another person… it can be hard to come to terms with the reality of being in love with more than one person at once.
How do you juggle polyamory and the demands of raising kids?
We’ve had a deal where we each get a couple nights out per week, so we take turns watching the kids. Then we’re both home together three nights a week. We try to keep it fair. It’s easier now that the kids are older; I can’t imagine making it work when I was still nursing, changing diapers, etc. It’s also been challenging a few times when one of us was out and the other one was hosting a partner (in the guestroom) and a kid woke up and came downstairs– we had a couple close calls! If we’re still doing this when they’re older, I imagine we’ll need to explain it to them.
What tips do you have for moms?
First, don’t jump into poly without lots of discussion first. Try therapy. Read all the books (More Than Two, Opening Up, Sex at Dawn, Ethical Slut… the list goes on). And if there’s something you’ve been wanting to try sexually, just tell your spouse. If they don’t share your interest, ask them how they’d feel about you exploring it with someone else.
How do you start exploring polyamory beyond books…finding those first sexual partners?
This is easy– OK Cupid has options for “open/poly”, so that’s the online dating site most of the poly people use. If you prefer meeting more organically, it’s easy in Portland but might be harder elsewhere. Up here, there are groups like Sex Positive Portland, multiple poly groups on Meetup.com, Mystery Box shows, and a couple Facebook groups that often have events. Lots of options!
Would you be willing to share some details about how you communicate with your partner (trials, errors, and successes) when you are poly?
This is much harder. We’ve had several missteps. We’d make assumptions that turned out to be wrong, or simply neglect to share details that became important later… all kinds of problems. One thing we learned is that it’s necessary to be honest and up front about things that could potentially be painful. If you keep stuff from your partner because you don’t want to hurt their feelings, it will ultimately hurt even worse later. If you don’t like something, tell them the first time, instead of hoping they’ll pick up on subtle hints. Read the Rosenburg book on non-violent communication. Express things in terms of your own feelings and needs, instead of placing blame. If a conversation gets too heated, it’s okay to use a safeword like “red light” to put it on hold until you’re calm enough to discuss rationally. Be responsible for your own happiness.
Thank you so much, Jackie, for sharing your knowledge and experience with us.
And here is some more basic information about polyamory.
*names have been changed to protect privacy
Are you a mom interested in being interviewed? Email me at sarahjswofford(at)gmail.com.