Happy Mother’s Day!
However many years ago you brought home your first child; the child who made you a mother. Before that moment you had been many things: a woman, a partner, a professional, a daughter. But becoming a mother is probably the most profound identity change you will ever go through.
Moms regularly tell me how becoming a mother also changed them sexually. New moms express shock, surprise, and a deep sense that something is wrong with them because they haven’t bounced right back into the same sexual desires and appetites they had before babies.
My book, From Ouch To Ahhh…The New Mom’s Guide to Sex After Baby walks new moms through all the reasons why sex isn’t the same, and why this is totally normal. It equips them with strategies that will help them feel confident with the sex life they have.
But today, there is something I want every mom to recognize. As moms we are often so hard on ourselves. To be the perfect mom, perfect partner, and a sexy, sexual woman who wants sex at the drop of a hat? Not realistic; not for any woman on this planet.
The truth that any mom can tell you is this: none of us are perfect. None of our sex lives is perfect. We all do the best we can. Some moms feel fabulous about their sexual relationships, and others struggle. However, we all try to change and improve and be flexible. And we grow as women when we understand that life is full of challenges and sometimes sex is just one of these challenges.
This is normal. This is okay. It is not the end of the road.
Seriously. Nothing is wrong with you because you don’t feel like having sex. There are times in life where this is the norm and there are things that you can do about it. To begin, just know that you are not alone.
Here are just a few of the very valid reasons you may not feel like having sex:
- Your children need you so intensely all day, you resent feeling needed physically by your partner
- You are so busy it is hard to find time to give time to your eroticism. Books, movies, dates, drinks, crazy nights at a party. All those things that gave you reasons to dress up, be outrageous, sexy, and flirty. As a mom, these are rare, if not extinct.
- You and your partner are so caught up in parenting and making sure your household and jobs keep running, you haven’t connected emotionally or intimately as partners in a long time. It takes effort and time; two things you feel very short of.
So, what can you do about it?
- If both you and your partner are fine with this sexual lull, then don’t stress about it.
- If one of you would like more sexual connection then you can start with some basic building blocks.
- First: talk, talk talk. Sexual disinterest can feel like rejection to the other partner. Rejection easily converts into defensiveness. Share why you are uninterested in sex and reassure your partner it is not about him or her.
- Listen to your partner’s feelings and understand why your lack of interest in sex is difficult for him or her.
- Make a plan: begin with what turns you on? Make a comprehensive list of everything you can think of that lights a little fire of arousal in you. This isn’t about your partner, it is about YOU.
- Make an action plan: pick times when you want to give yourself time and space to explore sexual arousal. Maybe you need alone, or perhaps you prefer being with your partner. Either way, do what feels right to you.
- Give masturbation a chance. Self-pleasure and fantasy are powerful arousal tools, especially for women. Buy yourself all the smutty novels you want, they are worth the investment. Try sex toys such as a vibrators.
- Keep practicing without pressuring yourself. Don’t force yourself to do things you don’t want to do, this can make you dread sex and can harm your relationship.
- Keep communicating and reinventing and enjoy the journey of sexual discovery together.
I wish you a very Happy Mother’s Day, you sexual mama, you. You are a beautiful, sensual creature and how much sex do or do not have has absolutely nothing to do with it.
Enjoy your day, you deserve it.