(Why is there a 90’s photo of Jared Leto in this post? Read on to find out……and don’t judge.)
Many of us moms often face two challenges when it comes to sex: getting turned on and following that up with great sex. Our libidos don’t fire up when we want them to, or everytime we want them to, and then when we have sex, it can sometimes feel disappointing, or just okay. So, I’m devoting this week to writing about how we as moms can reclaim an amazing sex life. Because feeling good about sex helps us feel good about ourselves and our relationships.
So here’s the first step we can take together. I’m going to call it my New Year’s challenge for moms: Figure out what turns you on!
I’ve blogged before about how things change sexually through the course of our relationships and how what turned us on at one point, might no longer work. So instead of blaming ourselves, thinking our libidos have burned out for good, or losing hope, I hope you will take this challenge with me.
1) Talk with your partner about what is and isn’t working for you in bed, and brainstorm together some ideas to try. Write these down. On mom recently told me, “Why is it that I get dressed up in sexy lingerie to turn him on, when he doesn’t need any help in that department. Why aren’t we doing things that turn me on?”
2) Don’t hold back on your list-making. Things that get you sexually excited can range from the obvious, like fantasies about movie stars (or teenage heart-throbs), to the oddly mundane. I know a mom whose husband light-heartedly teases her about her top two male fantasy figures: David Duchovny from the X-files and Taylor Lautner the werewolf in the Twilight series. He jokes that if my friend and David Duchovny were to have a love child it could be Taylor Lautner. But jokes aside, I love it when my husband sends me a searing look across a crowded room. That reminder that he desires me and yet we can’t act on it, works for me. What works for you? Compile a list of all the movies, books, photos, fantasy scenarios, touches, kisses, costumes, sex toys, locations to have sex, types of dates, mood-setting elements, levels of house cleanliness, and interactions with your partner that get you excited.
3) Do you know how to make yourself orgasm? If you have difficulty having orgasms with your partner, take some time to explore by yourself what you need to reach an orgasm. Many moms do not orgasm during penetrative sex and need manual or oral stimulation before or after to come. Have you tried a vibrator? There are many online websites where you an buy one from the privacy of your own home. Vibrators can be used inside the vagina or outside on the clitoris and the vibrations stimulate quickly and effectively. Once you have practiced on your own, then show your partner so you can do it together. An added challenge: if you have no trouble with orgasms, see how many different types of orgasms you can have during your lovemaking sessions. Now, repeat!
4) Don’t be shy. Yes, it is embarrassing to tell your partner that the fantasy you’ve harbored all these years is for you both to play-act a scene from My So Called Life and then act like it’s your first time having sex. Or to ask your partner to act like the college history professor you secretly pined for. But you know what else is embarrassing: wondering why you aren’t having fun sex anymore. If words fail you, print this post off and hand it to your partner. He or she should jump at the chance become a PhD in what turns you on.
Talk together, be open together, have fun together and relish the challenge of becoming each other’s sexual connoisseurs.
I’m excited to take this challenge and I’m going to start compiling a list of things that turn me and other moms I know on. I can always use more inspiration! I’ve used more than one girl’s night out to pick the brains of other moms about what works for them. Look for this list in the pages section of the blog. Leave a comment in this post letting us know what turns you on and I’ll add it to the list.