“Oh my God, three days without sex is like DEATH for me.” says a sweet, child-less friend upon hearing a couple of moms talking about how sex once a week is an honorable goal in our child-full existences.
“Oh my God, I NEVER want to have sex.” says a mom of an almost one-year-old over coffee, her eyes brimming with tears.
Both of these are conversations I’ve had recently. And they are both examples of the different perspectives women have about how much sex is too much, too little, and not enough (for us or for our partner).
There are moms I know for whom sex once a week is way too little, and others for whom sex once a month feels like way too much. Many moms keep a mental calendar of the last time they had sex, and it’s more than a check mark on a calendar.
Sometimes you may feel like having sex four times in a weekend, other times you might go a month without it. It varies—there is no right or wrong number. But too many moms DO worry about it. They might stress out that it’s been “too long,” and can find themselves going through the motions of having sex–not so much because they WANT to, but because of their sense of responsibility to mark another sexual encounter off on the calendar.
“At least that’s done,” they think. “Now I don’t have to worry about it until next week, or next month.” (Or whatever increment of time their sexual calendar is on.)
It’s not that it’s never okay to have sex more for your partner than yourself. It happens. But moms begin to tread dangerous waters of forfeiting our sexual identity if EVERY time or MOST or the times that they have sex, they’re doing it because their internal calendar tells them “It’s time again! Need to check this off the calendar now too.”
Our sexuality is much more important than playdates, bills we pay, and soccer lessons. And if we find ourselves checking sex off our to-do list, like we do other things in our daily lives, its time to take a step back and take an honest look at what’s going on.
WHEN WE HAVE SEX BASED ON OUR PARTNER’S SEXUAL NEEDS
Some moms begin realize that almost every time they have sex it’s because of their partner’s sexual needs and not their own. When this happens often, our highly-developed mom’s sense of guilt turns our sexuality into something that only performs based on our guilt or worry about meeting his/her carnal needs.
We forget about our own sexual needs. Too many moms then find themselves in a cycle of not paying attention to when THEY want to have sex, and more importantly into WHAT MAKES them want to have sex, and they only have sex when they feel their partner wants it.
This breeds guilt.
Guilt breeds resentment.
Resentment breeds itself.
THE HARDEST CONVERSATION
One of the hardest conversations a relationship can have is when you sit your partner down and tell him or her that the way you are having sex isn’t working for you. But if our sexuality has been hijacked by a sense of duty, this is exactly the conversation you should be having.
It doesn’t have to be a litany of you never do this, and I always do that, and you must not care about me. But the honest truth is that sex won’t get better unless you talk about it. And you should.
Because your sexuality and your pleasure belong to YOU.
As moms we are so used to letting our needs go by the way-side, that we can let this happen to our sexual needs. There are times in most women’s lives when they feel so utterly bogged down with motherhood that sexual desire seems alien and they don’t even know WHAT turns them on anymore. Many women ignore the issue, hoping their sexual desire will magically reappear.
However, this is the perfect time to have the conversation (it is an on-going one) and with your partner. The conversation where you brainstorm together about what arouses you, you clear the air about all the sex you haven’t been having, and you work together as a team to troubleshoot and improve your sex life. It requires creativity.
- Are there movie scenes you find hot?
- Vibrators of other sex toys you enjoy?
- Erotic or romantic stories you want to listen to?
- Look for ways to build sexual anticipation during the day—often just thinking about sex can make it seem possible.
- Finally, talk about the types of interactions you need before sex is initiated that will help you feel relaxed and ready for intimacy.
- If you’ve tried the above and nothing works, look for a sex therapist who can work with you.
Your life, like most moms’, is chaotic and messy, so these criteria will rarely all line up at once, but you can pull from these ideas when you need them. Maybe what you most need is to feel emotionally close to your partner. Then you know you need to wait until you’ve had a chance to connect emotionally before you connect physically.
THE MOTHERHOOD REINVENTION
Things change once we have kids, and that can include what makes us feel in the mood for sex. It is our responsibility to make sure we know what these things are.
Sex should be about us, about what makes us feel good, because then we eagerly and graciously attend to our partner’s needs as well as our own without falling into a sea of guilt and resentment.
How has desire changed for you since you became a mom? Have you and your partner had the conversation?
Great blog! As true for moms with young children as for women as they age. The conversation is always important!
As a mom whose kids are college age now, I mostly want to say it works out. And that the issues really never change. I remember vividly the night my husband said he didn’t want to be an item on my “to-do” list. But if he wasn’t, I can tell you it wasn’t going to happen as often as he needed that affirmation of our relationship. As an older mom, I would say that men think at the end of a tough day, well at least I had sex, and women think, how can you possibly want me to have sex at the end of such a bad day?? There is truth in both.