Conundrum: An intricate and difficult problem.
-Merriam-Webster Dictionary
After we have kids, women’s conversations about sex often revolve around our lack of desire. The challenges of caring for children and long-term relationships can definitely put a huge damper on our sex-drives. But it sometimes feels like it is the only socially acceptable way for mothers to talk about sex. Moms who have fulfilling sex lives may face the sexual mama conundrum of feeling the need to censor themselves about this aspect of their lives for fear that it could be off-putting to other mothers who do not have the same experiences.
Another sexual mama conundrum is accepting that our sexual desire does not have to be the same as it was before children. The societal expectation that we should return to being the women we were before kids (same belly and breasts, no baby weight, and sex that feels just the same as before) are surefire libido-killers. I hate any focus on how much sex we should be having. One woman’s too much is another woman’s too little, and vice-versa. We need a paradigm shift away from quantity to quality. In my opinion, small batches of meticulously cultured blue or goat cheese vastly outperform a large block of cheddar any day of the week.
Now apply this far-fetched cheese analogy to your sex-life.
Books that are meant to help women with strategies and techniques to “recover” your “lost sex-drive” operate on the assumption that we need to return to the sexuality we had before we had kids. Just once I want to read a book that says, “Hell NO your sex life isn’t going to look the same after you become a mom! Give yourself the grace and attention to figure out what the new normal for you is, and accept that it will keep changing. Make it a priority! And make sure it’s a priority for your partner too.
Maybe you will feel like a glorious sex-goddess now that you have created life, and you will love exploring new ways to experience this. Or you may think you never want to have sex again. Regardless, you are a beautiful, sexual being and your sexuality is unique to YOU—it’s not based on how many orgasms you (or your friends) have or don’t have.”
As moms it is a challenge to take the time to pay attention to our sexual selves. We feel that our attention should be on our children, homes, careers, and it seems frivolous and not important to give ourselves time to consider our sexual needs.
The things that turned us on before we had kids, now often don’t. And new things do. Getting sexually aroused happens in different ways than it did before. So why does it sometimes feel selfish or unrealistic to give these sexual needs time and attention? We expect our partners to want to have and enjoy sex. Why wouldn’t this expectation always extend to ourselves?
I blame all these sexual mama conundrums—my goal is to eliminate them from my life. I challenge you to do the same. Have you experienced any of these conundrums? What are your sexual mama conundrums?