Many women wish there was more foreplay involved when they have sex. But often they feel their partners just want to see how fast they can get from point A to point Z, largely skipping over the other 24 points in between. A great blog post by Michael Castleman over at All About Sex is a must-read. As the title of his post says, “when it comes to sex, women know best.” Castleman writes that the best advice sex therapists can give their clients is to sloooooow it doooooowwn
and stop having what he calls “wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am, porn style sex.”
A girlfriend of mine once gave me this piece of advice: when you are going to have sex, use a kitchen timer and until the timer goes off, your partner is not allowed to touch your breasts or your genitals. While this reminds me a little uncomfortably of the timer I use for time-outs (not for my husband, for my kids), I appreciate the motivation behind her strategy.
Castleman writes that according to many surveys, foreplay the way women want it means at least 30 minutes of foreplay before sex. Yes, that’s right. Thirty minutes of foreplay. After the heady, we-have-all-day-and-all-night lovemaking of early relationships, I’d venture a guess that most married couples with kids put in less than five minutes of foreplay. But we should.
Many of our biggest sexual problems could be solved if we did. Lack sexual initiative and interest, limp penises, overeager penises, insecure penises (Castleman says men internalize sexual rejection into insecurity about the size of their package). This could all go away if we took time to very slowly and methodically make love.
How? You may ask.
“Leisurely, playful, whole-body, massage-inspired caressing is the single most important ingredient of high-quality lovemaking. Sure, genital fondling and oral sex are part of great sex. But so are foot massage, back rubs, finger and earlobe sucking, scalp, face, and back-of-the-knee caresses, and gently kneading the flesh from head to toe.”
Sounds fabulous. But its easy to fall into hurrying sex, eager to be done with it and back to whatever seemingly-more-important thingwas going on at the time. Both parties have to take the time to make sure each is fully aroused and ready for sex when it happens.
Which can be hard on a Saturday morning, with the cartoons blaring in the other room. So, while it’s not realistic for each and every time, it is a worthy goal.