Happy Father’s Day! Today ‘s post is in celebration of fathers. I’m interviewing the best dad I know, the one who fathered my children. He has a cold beer in his hand, is sitting in my office with me while the kids play outside, and is ready to talk about sex for dads, especially sex for new dads, the guys whose sexual worlds have been rocked, by which I mean demolished by new parenthood. After 14 years of marriage and two kids, this guy knows a thing or two.
What do you wish you had known about sex when you became a dad?
That it was going to disappear for a good while. Especially after the first baby. I would have loved to have known what to do to connect better with you. I wish I had had a guide on how to have more time with my wife, how to get her in the mood for sex. I wish I had been prepared for how to handle feeling like a third-wheel next to my wife and our baby.
What’s your best sexual advice for a new dad?
Be super active taking care of your kid(s) and making your partner feel like you are on the same team so that you feel included, too.
Often as a new dad you ask your partner if she wants to have sex and if she says no then you walk out feeling rejected. Learning to tell your partner in words why you want to have sex, and understand why it is she doesn’t want sex—it’s not you, she’s just tired—helps you not take it so personally.
Do you have a foolproof get-your-partner-the-mood trick?
I don’t have that one figured out quite yet. By the time I figure that one out, my equipment probably won’t work anymore.
But really, different things work at different times. You have to gauge your partner and see what works. Is she feeling adventurous? Then what are ways you can be adventurous together?
Are there ways sex has improved since you became a dad?
Yeah. We know each other better. I feel more confident about what works for you and that you know what works for me. We’re more adventurous.
Do dads talk about sex?
Not really. I don’t.
Do you think moms talk about sex?
Ha! All the time. That’s the funny thing, dads think about sex all the time but don’t talk about it. And women talk about it all the time but….
But then don’t want to have sex.
Hmmmm. Okay. What’s the best Father’s Day present you could get?
Easy sex in the morning.
Yeah, sex that doesn’t require a lot of foreplay and effort on my part. A cold beer to drink and grilled meat to eat. And then, sex before going to sleep.
So, in other words, tons of quality time with your children?
Why can sex be so hard for parents?
Because it can be really hard to make sex a priority. Sex becomes a secondary priority after going to work, taking care of the kids, taking out the garbarge. And then it can be a priority for one partner, but not the other partner at the same time, so lining up for both partners’ sexual interest at the same time….
But if you make sex a priority, you talk about sex, and plan it so you have sex. “We’re going to have sex at this time, and if our kids come and bang on the door, we will do this…” You make a plan.
What do you do if the kids bang on the door?
Send them to watch some fucking T.V. and promise them ice cream or whatever they want.
And get a lock for your bedroom door! What improved your sex life after having kids?
Having your wife write a sex book. We both learned a lot.
Also, it’s exciting to think about the future. Like, talking about sexual adventures we want to have together, that’s exciting. It means things don’t stay static forever, that they will always change. I like that.
Thank you for agreeing to this. Happy Father’s Day, babe.