I am well acquainted the million reasons why sex is harder to have after kids: time, exhaustion, and lack of interest, to name a few. But I talk to many moms who say that once they actually have sex, they feel more free to explore their sensuality then they did before kids and the quality of sex they have is better than it was before they had children. Mind you, these are not moms of newborns, because if you are a mom of a baby who thinks sex is better than it was before you gave birth—please contact me, I’d LOVE to hear your story. But many moms say that sex (once you get around to having it) is better after kids for many reasons.
You are less inhibited
Once you’ve pushed a large baby out of your vagina while your partner watched, or had your entrails moved aside to pull that precious one out of your womb, the hang-ups you had before becoming a mom tend to change. Of course we still have our idiosyncrosies, but many moms feel more at ease with their sexuality and their bodies after becoming moms. Three moms on this blog recently shared their stories about learning how to orgasm, buying their first vibrator, and getting kinkier after having kids–all because they felt free to try things they had been embarrassed to try before. What sexual inhibitions have you lost since you had kids?
You’ve been together so long, you know just what buttons to push.
Yes, sometimes it can feel like the same old, same old if you don’t put the time and effort into really warming up and feeling each other as a separate entities. (When you are in a long-term relationship, it can be easy to forget you are not the same person.) But it’s powerful when your partner knows you well. Knows how to hit the right spots and do just the right things. When you want more time or attention on a certain spot, you feel comfortable enough to tell your partner what you need. While the downside of being with someone for a long time is that you know each other so well it can be tempting to rush through it and get to the orgasms quickly, the upside is you have become experts in the types of lovemaking you each want.
You’re not afraid to ask for what you want. And to make sure you get it.
Many moms tell me that becoming moms not only loosened their inhibitions, but made them more proactive at figuring out what they like in the bedroom and at making sure they get it. They are better at communicating their sexual needs, they tell their partner what they want and how they want it. Here are some of the things moms tell me they want :
- Sharing fantasies
- Reading or watching something erotic before sex.
- Full body massages before foreplay.
- Just the right spot—the right amount of pressure—for the right amount of time.
- Kinky play: costumes, toys, role-playing, new locations, you name it.
- Good lube!!
Sex with your partner can be titillating (especially with kids at home!)
Remember how sexy it felt to sneak around to mess around when you were younger? Having kids at home offers ample opportunity for similar shenanigans. There is nothing more tiring for most moms than trying to get in the mood to have sex after a long day. Sneaking around during the day when you’re both home and finding creative ways to get it on with your honey adds an added layer of excitement and freshness to sex. And when you’ve been with your partner for years—who couldn’t use more excitement and freshness?
These are some of the ways moms tell me they make time for illicit encounters with their partner.
- Nap time! Every mom’s favorite hour of the day, perfect for masturbation and sex
- T.V. time–the kids are so zoned out you could do it behind the couch and they’d probably not notice.
- Sex in other parts of the house—bathrooms, closets, basements, garden sheds, laundry rooms, even the mini-van—you name it, moms have done it.
- Quickies. After the kids are in bed is when you have time for foreplay, but during the day the rush of getting it on quickly and surreptitiously can make for thrilling sex.
- Stealing hidden looks full of promise for clandestine nookie—or tantalizing glances that make you blush remembering your last illicit encounter.
Has your sex life gotten better since having kids?